My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
