The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
