so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I need moral support for this bender
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
