hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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