somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I touched a dick in church today
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
