I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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