Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
