Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
