who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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