fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
