I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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