Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
