Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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