i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
