He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
