I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
