It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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