Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
