Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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