even my farts smell like vagina
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
