maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
