I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
