Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
