Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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