saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
farters have to be the big spoon...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
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