I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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