we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
