and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
