I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
