please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Randomize
