Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
