i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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