Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
