Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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