The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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