where's my purse there's an important taco in it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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