This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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