I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
