He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
