Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
