do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
