I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Are these your boobs on my camera?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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