Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
