apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
