just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
