Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
