My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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