If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
