She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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