A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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